A question I have been challenging a number of clients with lately is, “What’s your payoff?”

This question comes from a belief I learned during my studies in psychology. The belief is that anything we do is rooted in some form of self-interest.

This thought is one that can make you pause. Everything we do, on some level, is because we get something out of it. And that means everything.

People have a hard time facing this idea. When I ask the question, “What’s your payoff?” (or any of its variations: “How does that serve you?” “What do you get out of that?” “What’s the reward for you in being/doing/acting like that?”) to a client, with regard to a situation that appears negative, the client can’t imagine there is one.

But there is.

And getting in touch with that payoff, that reward, is the first step toward acknowledging an unmet need that shows up in your life again and again, in various ways

How I Discovered My Payoff

In my previous post, I introduced you to two very different women who both had a similar issue: both were feeling controlled by the people closest to them.

I can relate to this, as I had my own challenges being in relationships with controlling people. My biggest one (and the one that helped to create the pattern) is the one involving my mother.

My mother was very controlling in our relationship. When you are a child, you can overlook it and rationalize it because the person is your parent, and that role comes with needing to have a certain amount of control; it’s a given.

I knew there was a problem when she would language it in this way: “You’re in Scott’s (her last name) army now. It’s either my way or the highway.” And she was very serious about this.

Over the course of our relationship, I just naturally gave up control (meaning I gave up my personal power). And then it happened. I started to blame her for her being controlling. Everything about our relationship that was wrong was her fault. And what happened was I became a victim.

I would language my victimhood, in my conversations with others, like this: “You won’t believe what my mother has done to me now…” (Ever start a conversation like this?)

What Was My Payoff?

After acting out this “story” for many years, I had an epiphany: It came with the awareness that everything in our lives we have chosen. I grabbed hold of the realization as it came. I was choosing to play this part, this role of being the victim in my relationship with my mother.

Even more, I was creating a pattern of attracting more and more people who wanted to exert some kind of control over my life…and that I was willing to allow it.

Shortly after this realization, I asked myself, “What’s the payoff for me being the victim, for being a person who allows others to control him?”

When I was willing to be honest with myself, I realized that I enjoyed the sympathy others would give me in my conversations about my mother.

These well-meaning people in my life were validating my being a victim, and then I felt justified in playing that role…which meant I was going to continue to play it.

Getting to the realization that we get a payoff for the “negative” experiences can be a challenging space to be in. It requires a change of perspective, as well as having to really be honest with ourselves.

If we are willing to do it, though, it can become an experience in self-exploration that is very rewarding and freeing…and, in my case, it allowed me to become responsible for my role in relationships, and to take back the control (and by that, I mean personal power) I was giving away.

So…What’s Your Payoff?

So, for your consideration, I offer you this: When you are faced with an experience you are finding challenging, ask yourself one of these questions:

• What’s my payoff in this?
• How does this serve me?
• What’s in this for me?
• What’s the reward I get out of doing this? For being like this? For reacting like this?

And be honest with yourself as you seek the answers. You only become authentic when you are honest with yourself.

For more information about personalized coaching, please visit my Services page for all the details.

Your partner in uncovering the “payoff,”

James