“In order to change your life outside, you must change inside. The moment you are willing to change, it is amazing how the Universe begins to help you. It brings you what you need.” ~ Louise L. Hay

Many of us spend a lot of time expecting other people in our lives to change. I know I have. I spent years of my life expecting family members to change. I spent even most of my adult working life expecting the customers and my co-workers, on the jobs I’ve had, to change.

Sometimes we may even think we can change them. We do it under the guise that we are “helping” them become better people, but what is really going on is that we working to change them in ways that suit us, suit our needs, and to make us happy.

As I progressed toward my work of becoming a personal development coach, one of the things I became conscious of is that we can’t change other people. It doesn’t work. It’s just wasted energy.

I see this a lot in my personal work with my clients. Women who are trying to change their husbands. Adult children trying to change their aging parents. Parents trying to change their adult children. Employees expecting their co-workers, bosses, and companies to change.

Each holds a belief that somehow, someway, the other person is keeping the individual from being happy with his or her life. But that other person is not equipped to make the individual happy. Happiness, as they say, is an inside job.

One person who understood this lesson I learned was Gandhi. Gandhi knew he could not change other people. Ironically, he is also an individual credited as being responsible for creating more change in people in his day. How was he able to do it?

The answer to that question is stated in one of my favorite quotes from Gandhi: “You must be the change you wish to see in others.”

If you’re like me, meaning if you’re motivated to become more self-aware, motivated by personal growth and development, then you get this. You understand the principle.

But even so, many of us then consider the people who don’t get it: the husband, the parent, the child, the sibling, the extended family member, the friend, the boss, the co-worker. We may still desire for these people to change.

As a psychologist, I respond again with Gandhi’s words: “Be the change you wish to see in others.”

People respond more by what we do—not what we say. This is called learned behavior, or modeling. People model the behaviors they see. By being what you want them to become, you create the space for the other person to be inspired to change. And the change tends to be long-term, as the desire to change came from the other person—not from you.

I attend Unity, which is a spiritual movement based in New Thought. At the end of each service, we gather around in the sanctuary, and form a large circle, holding hands. We sing “The Prayer of Protection,” which begins with, “Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me….” When we sing it, each of us is affirming that for peace to be in the world, it begins with us, much like with Gandhi, as he demonstrated non-violence.

So, let me remind you that changing other people doesn’t work. So stop trying. Rather, inspire change in others by seeking to change yourself.

And here’s a little consciousness-raising secret I’ll leave you with: When we change ourselves, our perceptions about our situations—and the people involved in them—change too. That is how we “get” other people to change. 

Your partner in being the change,

James