When I started my work as a life coach, I told people who asked what I did that I “helped people reinvent themselves.” A reinvention can come as the result of a major life change.

For some of us, this change can be one of our own choosing and making; for others, it can be made for us.

For example, this time of year, a lot of us choose to make resolutions and set intentions, based on the changes we would like to see in our lives; this would be of our own choosing or making.

On the other hand, losing your job may be a choice made for you, and not of your own making, but would nevertheless begin a process of reinvention.

Sometimes, during this process of reinvention, we experience a period of confusion, sadness, fear, and solitude, which has been named “the dark night of the soul.”

It’s said that when we move from a space that we have identified with for so long, to a space full of doubt and confusion, we will have this sensation. During this time, also known as “the breakdown zone,” a person feels lost and finds it difficult to think clearly. Everything seems shrouded in a fog, leaving the person unsure where to go from here.

This is when anxiety, fear, and desperation can and will come to the surface.  We can then start making value judgments that can have us giving up on the changes we want to see become reality in our lives and return to familiar territory, with the feeling that we should never have left to begin with.

But, in reality, this can be our greatest wake-up call. We have to be very alert when we go through this dark night, because it is the opposite of what it appears.

When we feel lost and confused, it’s because we’re on the verge of making a discovery, of having a revelation about ourselves and our lives. We begin to have an understanding of certain things; we wake up and find new paths to walk.

My Dark Night of the Soul

I have experienced this “dark night of the soul” firsthand. Mine came when I made the major life choice to leave my corporate management job and begin my coaching and consulting business. When I left, I had the necessary savings financial experts suggest when starting your own business, so I felt secure with my decision. And for some time during the start-up phase of my business, things were fine.

But, as most people who are starting out in business may relate to, there comes a time when business either slows—or halts. There were weeks with no clients or talks scheduled and no products being sold. Money was being taken out of savings to cover living expenses with the thought that with every withdrawal, a deposit was not being made.

For me, thoughts of self-doubt and confusion crept and burrowed into my mind. I would think leaving my job was an unwise decision, even though I had averaged 70+ hour work weeks, and burned myself out. I would fear losing everything and being out on the street, like most self-employed people think at one time or another (a phenomena referred to as “bag lady syndrome”).

But what I realized, for myself, was that this major life change, moving from being an employee to an entrepreneur, was going to be my greatest series of life lessons yet. This experience was going to bring up all my “stuff,” all my doubts, fears, and insecurities; all my “stories,” especially my “money story,” to allow me the opportunity to rewrite history.

The past is written by other people for us, but when we make the choice to change our lives, we take the pen from their hands, and start a new chapter; we change the account from third-person to first-person.

If we feel bad about ourselves, as I do when these “dark nights” show up for me, it’s because we’re so used to believing in the identity of who we once were. Just as the caterpillar changes its identity to become a butterfly, we sometimes have to allow ourselves to be wrapped up in these emotions, knowing they are a part of this transformative process toward something better.

To embrace these uncomfortable emotions may not make sense, but coming from a place of higher consciousness, it’s just what we need to do if we wish to grow and evolve, to see those changes we wish to make our new realities.

We have to resolve (the root of “resolution”) to be firm, to carry on, and accept our feelings, without judging ourselves for having them.

There’s a saying that, “This too shall pass.” It lets us know that all conditions are temporary and fleeting. They all have a beginning, a middle, and an end. After pain comes joy; after confusion comes light; after the night comes the dawn of a new day. In life, we cannot know one state without knowing its other.

What to Do When You’re in a Dark Night of the Soul

If you’re in a “dark night,” if you’re feeling lost, confused, and frustrated during your process of transformation, here are some things you can do:

• Get more sleep, at least 7 hours daily. This will allow your subconscious mind to work on your behalf, bringing to light what you need to be aware of through your nightly dreams; my own greatest self-revelations came as the result of a dream.
• Try to eat in moderation, and preparing lighter meals, especially dinners; sometimes we become “emotional eaters,” and make poor food choices in response to what we’re feeling. I was good for eating sweets during high-stress moments on the job as a manager (I was known for keeping a box of Twinkies in my desk drawer). 
• Engage in physical activity and break the habit of being sedentary. Physical exercise has the capacity to disrupt and reduce many of our dysfunctional emotions that usually take us out and put us on the sidelines. (I was once told by a physician that walking was the best exercise I could get, and maintain that practice.)
• Practice mindfulness meditation for 10 minutes twice a day, reaching 20 minutes twice a day, a little at a time (this is my personal favorite).
• Appreciate what’s happening, seeing it as a great opportunity for your growth and development (this one can take some time, so be gentle with yourself).
• Ask yourself different questions. When we’re in states of despair, we can ask things like, “Why do I feel this way?” or “What can I do to make myself feel better?” These questions keep us wrapped up in the emotions, and keep us stuck. Rather, consider asking, “What’s wonderful about what I’m going through?” or “What will I discover about myself that’s extraordinary, that I wouldn’t have known if not for this experience?” Questions like these cause our attention to focus on the search for the way out. 

As I bring this conversation to a close, I wish to leave you with this thought: Our “dark nights of the soul” are our processes of transformation, and as such, take different amounts of time for each of us.

The only thing we can do is travel through it, knowing that “this too shall pass,” as we await the break of dawn.

Your partner in personal transformation,